The script for the birds. (The Birds, adapted from A.)
DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT 4/18/08
THE BIRDS by Aristophanes
Ancient Greek comedy adapted and updated for 2008 by Jo H. Lewis and others
Based on the translation by Ian Johnston (available for use)
Plot: The birds take over the world!
Historical background: The Birds won second prize in 414 BC. It was performed with a cast of four and a chorus of 24! At that time Athens was fighting the Peloponnesian War--"powerful and confident . . . fully expecting to triumph" (Johnston).
Venue: Outdoor amphitheater
Scene: Center stage: A huge nest (non-practical) elevated on a rock wall that has an unseen entrance in it. Behind, a practical ladder so a bird can rise "out" of the nest. One practical rock to stand on.
A colorful "paradise" for birds is to one side with giant fruit, trees, etc.
The opposite side suggests a colorless urban environment: a dingy center city with trash.
Synopsis: After the JAY and the DUCK warm up the audience with a silly bird song, the play opens with recorded bird songs. We see the brightly colored, beautifully masked BIRDS coming to enjoy frolicing, resting and eating in their paradise.
As they disappear, con man PISH and his sidekick/servant HOPEFUL struggle to arrive at the nest where they're told (by bird hand puppets they carry) that the birds live. After a confrontation, they get Tereus' SECRETARY/servant (once a man) to bring out the master "bird" TEREUS. They talk Tereus (who was once a human king) into calling the birds together to take over the world.
Tereus' wife, Procne the NIGHTINGALE (also once human), calls the rest of the birds with her beautiful song (a flute?). But when the birds come, they start to attack Pish and Hopeful. Pish and Tereus calm them down. Pish persuades the birds that ruling is their rightful role (he says they once did rule). They make Pish their leader, call their kingdom "Cloudcuckooland" and build a wall
(not seen by audience) to keep everyone out.
One by one, Athenians want to get in! Birds mostly run off the Athenians. Birds even prevent the Olympic gods from smelling the daily sacrifices to the gods, so bringer-of-fire PROMETHEUS comes to warn them that a contingent from the gods--POSEIDON, HERCULES, and a BARBARIAN GOD--will come. Gods and Birds along with Pish negotiate. Birds don't give in.
In fact, Pish is given a divine PRINCESS to marry. In the Olympic gods pantheon, she's the one who keeps Zeus's closet (thunderbolts, etc.). She lookds like a sweet bride but then reveals herself as Wonder Woman whom Pish must be subordinate to--she ties his hands with her lasso and leads the abject Pish off.
Hopeful is sad for Pish, but the birds come and lead her to their paradise where she can rest at last and where the birds can once more frolic, eat, and rest.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
IMP=important character
F=female (some roles written for men will become women)
M=male
I. This group are Humans:
IMP M Pish Pisthetairos: persuasive (Pisthetairos means plausible) Athenian con man--busy busy, wanting to conquer to get the best for himself; says he wants to rest, but it's a con--he shows this by stripping off his civilian clothes and revealing a soldier's costume; Pish and Hopeful carry on humorous (we hope) dialog through much of the play
IMP F "Hopeful" (Euelpides, which means hopeful): not-so-very-smart, very energetic sidekick, kind of happy-go-lucky; really wants to rest, so her rhythm is go-go-stop until Pish shows his hand; will enact the servant duties, so no other human servants in our script; Pish and Hopeful carry on humorous (we hope) dialog through much of the play
The rest of the humans will be CAMEO appearances (only a few rehearsals) or they are played by other characters doubling. If cast is smaller, some may be cut:
Visitors from Athens (in order of appearance):
Note: No Priest or Statute Seller if you're checking out orig. Aristophanes
M (could be F) Poet
"starving artist"--Pish takes other people's clothes to give to poet
M or F Prophet (called the Oracle Monger) tries to con Pish into thinking he/she has prophetic knowledge of Cloudcuckooland
M (could be F) Land Developer (called Meton, a land surveyor)
2 M or 1M, 1F Politicians, the US presidential candidates (called Commissioner of Colonies) will use actual candidate masks: John McCain for sure, either Hillary or Obama. (Hope we'll know by June! If not we'll have both)
Fanatic Followers M or F accompany Politicians--improvised lines, get into slapstick fight with each other (two rehearsals?)
M or F Reporter-Sycophant--a muck-raking journalist
M Messenger from the World (called Second Herald)--this will be Hopeful (in her own character)
II. This group are Birds and Bird/Humans:
The Chorus is central to the play! They move like birds at least some of the time; they move separately and together; they speak together and in solos; they're in a lot of the action. They might sing together a little, but that's not critical. Depending on casting, some birds may double as other characters.
Except for Tereus and Procne, these characters can be played by M or F in a unisex costume
IMP M Tereus/Hoopoe: Bird/Human; indolent master of the birds; top=bird, costume="moulting" bird and human
IMP M or F (M preferred) Secretary Bird: was once a man; assertive servant to Tereus; also Chorus
IMP F Procne/Nightingale: Tereus's wife Bird/Human (preferably tall, thin bird with "body of a woman" and head of nightingale); also Chorus
IMP preferably F Ibis: Chorus--a leader of the Chorus elegant bird
IMP preferably F Peacock: Chorus--a leader of the Chorus beautiful vain bird
IMP Raven: Chorus--speaks up at times raucous-voiced bird (like a crow) that acts a little crazy playing his pan pipes; also has a cameo--Raven as Builder Bird--with a message that the wall is finished
IMP Blue Jay: improvisational cheerleader of the audience (i.e., leads them in silly bird songs) and Chorus raucous-voiced bird (like a jay)
IMP Mallard Duck: improvisational cheerleader of the audience (i.e., leads them in silly bird songs--we'll want to enhance his/her similarity to U of Oregon mascot) and Chorus
IMP Vulture: Chorus--speaks up at times
IMP Partridge: Chorus
IMP Brush Finch: Chorus tiny ditzy bird
IMP Glutton-Bird: Chorus very fat bird (fat suit) who waddles
IMP Bantam Rooster: Chorus--speaks up at times aggressive strutter who wears a biker jacket
IMP Firecrest Bird even tinier than Brush Finch
Images of the colorful real birds these characters are based on can be googled.
III. This group are from the Olympic gods:
They are funny, too. The gods will be CAMEO appearances or played by other characters doubling:
F Iris beautiful rainbow goddess; "flies" in, not cowed by Pish or Cloudcuckooland
M Prometheus the one who brought fire to humans, is still hiding from the Olympic gods and warning humans
M Poseidon the sea god
M Heracles Hercules, the strong man, greedy and not the brainiest (much much dumber than Hopeful)
M Barbarian god (not from Olympus) can't speak Greek right
F Super Princess comes from the gods, marries Pish--In the Olympic gods pantheon, she's the one who keeps Zeus's closet (thunderbolts, etc.); dressed like a sweet beautiful bride but then reveals herself as Wonder Woman whom Pish must be subordinate to--she sits on his chair and makes him kneel, ties his hands with her lasso and leads the abject Pish off when she signals they go to "heaven"--he has to sheepishly follow
THE SCRIPT
The JAY and the DUCK warm up the audience by teaching them "Let's All Sing Like the Birdies Sing"; when they know the song, it accompanies the brightly colored, beautifully masked BIRDS coming to their paradise. We hear recorded bird songs and the birds enjoy frolicing, resting and eating. As they disappear, enter PISH and HOPEFUL from behind the audience. Breathing heavily, they struggle
to make their way part way down the aisle. (Johnston translation: They "clamber down from the rocky heights towards the level stage.")
HOPEFUL is loaded down with iron pots and a big trash bag but still moves with great energy.
PISH
(speaking to the crow hand puppet he's carrying)
What? You say, keep going straight ahead? Over by that tree?
(peers as though nearsighted at "tree," an audience member)
HOPEFUL
(whipping around as though pulled back the other way by her jackdaw puppet; to PISH)
Blast this bird--it's croaking for us to head back, go home.
PISH
(following HOPEFUL weaving up and down the aisle)
Why are we wandering up and down like this?
You're such a dodo bird--this endless weaving will kill us both.
HOPEFUL
Me? We are idiots to keep hiking this trail, a hundred miles at least--just because this crow keeps saying, Go go go.
PISH
My toe nails are thrashed--because I'm following what this jackdaw says.
HOPEFUL
(looking around)
I have no idea where on earth we are.
PISH
You couldn't get us back to Athens?
HOPEFUL
No way--not even with my GPS.
PISH
Look where you got us. We're in a real mess.
HOPEFUL
Well, we could keep going along the trail.
(They explore different "paths" to opposite sides of the nest.)
JAY
(egging on crowd, pointing)
It's there! Over there! (Urging audience to join in) Go there! Go there!
(PISH and HOPEFUL never hear the crowd-rousing birds or the crowd unless they address them themselves)
HOPEFUL
(to audience)
We were conned by that Philokrates--
PISH
They don't know who Philokrates is.
HOPEFUL
--the crazy vendor in the marketplace who sells birds.
PISH
(to audience) He claimed these two would take us straight to Tereus the hoopoe, a man who years ago became a bird. That's why we paid an obol for this jackdaw, son of Hitchcock.
HOPEFUL
And three more for this crow--
HOPEFUL and PISH
son of Hitchcock.
PISH
And then what? They know nothing
HOPEFUL and PISH
except how to peck. Ow!
(HOPEFUL's jackdaw begins to get excited)
HOPEFUL
(to jackdaw)
In those rocks? You want to take us there? There's no way through.
PISH
(calling across the stage to HOPEFUL)
Same thing over here. No way.
HOPEFUL
What's your crow saying?
PISH
The caw's not the same.
HOPEFUL
(shouting)
But where's the trail? What's it saying?
DUCK
(egging on audience)
Quack! Go there! (Pointing, urging audience to join) Go there! Go there!
PISH
Keeps on croaking--
(Listening)
Something about biting my fingers off.
HOPEFUL
(to audience)
Don't you think it's odd the two of us, ready and eager to head off for the birds, just can't find the way? You see, we've got some disease, not like the one Sizemore suffers from--
PISH
no, the opposite--
HOPEFUL
all he wants is to serve himself, yet he says he'll serve us. But here we are, honored members of our tribe and clan,
PISH
I'm a citizen among you citizens,
HOPEFUL
and no one's trying to drive us out of Athens,
PISH
but we've winged our way out of our native land on our own two feet. We don't hate the city
HOPEFUL
(a cadence)
No no no no no
PISH
that's by nature great and prosperous--open to all--
HOPEFUL
well, not immigrants of course--
PISH
so they can spend all their money in Athens--you know.
HOPEFUL
Birds chirp in season a month or two, if there's ever any spring, but our Athenians keep chirping all their lives over taxes, foreclosures,
PISH
gas prices,
HOPEFUL
bad drivers,
PISH
muggers, meth, madness,
HOPEFUL
wars and rumors of wars. That's Athens--talk talk talk and go go go.
PISH
That's why we set off on this trip with all this stuff--bag,
(HOPEFUL sets down bag and takes out Hawaiian dress)
PISH
pots.
HOPEFUL
(lies down on elbow all at once, draping Hawaiian dress over her body)
We're looking for a nice relaxing spot where we can live out our lives.
PISH
We'd heading for Tereus, that hoopoe bird--we'd like to know if in all his flying around
HOPEFUL and PISH
he's seen a city like the one we want.
(HOPEFUL nearly falls asleep all at once)
PISH
Hey!
HOPEFUL
What?
PISH
My crow keeps cawing upwards--up there.
HOPEFUL
(reluctantly getting up, putting down dress)
My jackdaw's looking up there, too. It wants to show me something. Maybe Philokrates was right.
PISH
They don't know who Philokrates is.
HOPEFUL
(to audience)--the crazy vendor in the marketplace who sells birds.
(to PISH)
There must be birds around these rocks--
PISH
let's make noise and then we'll see for sure.
(kicks a stump near center stage)
HOPEFUL
What?
(kicks stump too)
PISH
Use your head, dodo bird.
(HOPEFUL knocks on stump with head. PISH pulls HOPEFUL up; HOPEFUL knocks on stump with her hand)
PISH
Pick up a rock and then go knock.
(points to the rock wall holding up the nest)
HOPEFUL
(tiredly picking up rock)
All right. Here I go.
(knocks loudly on the rock and calls out)
Hey. Hey!
PISH
Don't say "hey"--
(HOPEFUL slides down rock, leans tiredly against it)
PISH
--call out
(giving a bird call)
Hoopoe-ho!
HOPEFUL
(from leaning position, knocking on rock; bad imitation of PISH)
Hoopoe-ho!
(tired)
Should I knock again?
JAY
Knock again!
HOPEFUL
(doesn't hear JAY; nevertheless knocks dispiritedly)
Hoopoe-ho!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(inside)
Who is it? Who's shouting for my master?
(SECRETARY-BIRD emerges. His beak terrifies PISH and HOPEFUL, who fall back in fear, and the birds they have been carrying "disappear" into the set)
HOPEFUL
O Apollo, save us!
PISH
that gaping beak--
HOPEFUL
those claws--now we really have gone to the birds!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(also frightened)
Oh-oh, now I'm in for it. You're bird catchers!
HOPEFUL
(to PISH)
Don't act so weird!
PISH
(to HOPEFUL)
Say something nice!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(shaking, but still trying to scare them off)
You humans must die!
(shows claws)
PISH
But we aren't humans.
HOPEFUL
We aren't?
SECRETARY-BIRD
What? What are you, then?
PISH
I'm a duck--
DUCK
No you're not!
PISH
(ducking behind HOPEFUL and chattering very fast)
duck duck duck duck duck--
I'm ducking!
DUCK
Duh!
(DUCK and JAY exit behind the audience)
SECRETARY-BIRD
And this one here--
(HOPEFUL makes k-k-k stuttering noises)
What kind of bird is she?
(HOPEFUL makes ch-ch-ch, as in "chicken", stuttering noises)
SECRETARY-BIRD
Can you talk?
HOPEFUL
(blurting out)
I'm a chicken--chicken-hearted
(shakes)
see?
PISH
(to SECRETARY-BIRD)
God only knows what kind of animal you are!
SECRETARY-BIRD
I'm a secretary bird.
HOPEFUL
(walking all around the SECRETARY-BIRD)
Beaten up by some rooster in a cock fight?
SECRETARY-BIRD
No, it was my master--when he became a hoopoe, I prayed that I could turn into a bird. That way he'll still have me to serve him.
HOPEFUL
A bird needs a secretary?
SECRETARY-BIRD
He does--It's got something to do with the fact he was a king. So if he wants to taste some fish I put it on the list. Then I grab a plate and fly off to the Columbia for salmon--
HOPEFUL
No no no no no--save the salmon!
SECRETARY-BIRD
I fight off the sea lions for it.
HOPEFUL
No no no no no--
PISH and HOPEFUL
--save the salmon!
HOPEFUL
(mumbling)
Got--to--lie down.
(lies down all at once and is instantly sleep)
PISH
A runner-bird--that's what you are! Well, runner, I'd like for you to run call your master for us.
HOPEFUL
(in her sleep)
Run-run-meep-meep
(Roadrunner sound)
SECRETARY-BIRD
But he's asleep--for heaven's sake, his after-dinner snooze--he and his wife have just had gnats with marionberry sauce.
PISH
Wake him up anyway.
SECRETARY-BIRD
He'll be mad as a wet hen!
(PISH starts toward SECRETARY-BIRD)
SECRETARY-BIRD
But I'll do it, just for you.
PISH
(shakes HOPEFUL awake)
That bird--he scared me half to death.
HOPEFUL
(sitting up, looking at her hand)
He scared my bird off!
PISH
Dodo bird! You let that jackdaw go?
HOPEFUL
And you collapsed and let your crow escape?
PISH
It flew off on its own.
TEREUS
(from inside, speaking in grand style)
Throw open this door that I may issue forth.
(TEREUS appears, a hoopoe bird, torn and trailing some feathers, with a man's body. "He struts and speaks with a ridiculously affected confidence. HOPEFUL and PISH are greatly amused by his appearance")
HOPEFUL
Oh Hercules, what kind of beast is this?
(falls back in mock terror)
Oh oh oh oh oh.
PISH
Who are the persons here who seek me out?
HOPEFUL
The gods from Olympus have sure worked you over.
TEREUS
(preening: stroking the side of his head egotistically)
Does seeing my feathers make you scoff at me?
HOPEFUL
It's not you we're laughing at.
TEREUS
Then what is it?
PISH
What plumage! What a crownly crest!
HOPEFUL
And your beak--
(makes a crooked gesture and stifles a laugh)
TEREUS
That's how Sophocles distorts Tereus--that's me.
PISH
You're Tereus?
HOPEFUL
Are you a peacock or a bird?
TEREUS
I am a bird.
HOPEFUL
Then where are all your feathers?
TEREUS
They're falling off.
HOPEFUL
Some disease?
TEREUS
At moulting time--
HOPEFUL
In late summer?
TEREUS
(ignoring HOPEFUL)
all birds shed their feathers, then they grow new ones. But who are you?
HOPEFUL
We're human beings--
(behind her hand to PISH)
aren't we?
TEREUS
Where were you born?
HOPEFUL
In Seattl--in Athens--that makes the finest warplanes.
TEREUS
Ah, so you go go go! Run run run!
HOPEFUL
(tiredly)
That's what I said.
TEREUS
So why come here? What do you want from me?
PISH
To talk to you.
TEREUS
(suspicious)
What for?
PISH
Well, you were once human, like us. You owed people money, like us.
JAY and DUCK--OR HOPEFUL--direct the audience to join in.)
PISH
You loved to skip debts, like us. [Add another "like us" here]
Then you changed your nature, became a bird. You fly in circles over land and sea. You've learned whatever's known to birds AND men. That's why we've come to ask if you can tell us of some town--
HOPEFUL
(yawning during PISH's speech)
--where life is soft, comfy as a feather bed, where we can sleep--and sleep--and . . .
(falls asleep all at once in the middle of speaking, falls down in a heap)
TEREUS
(back to PISH)
Are you looking for a mighty city, more powerful than Babylon?
HOPEFUL
(The word "Babylon" jerks her awake; sits up)
No no no no no. Not one more powerful, no. What we want is one that suits us better. We want someone to wait on us.
TEREUS
You clearly want to be a diva.
HOPEFUL
But you--your Secretary Bird--
PISH
(hushes HOPEFUL)
You mean like Diana Ross? We detest that style [OR That's not our style].
TEREUS
All right then, what kind of city do you want to live in?
HOPEFUL
(up again, energetic as usual)
I'd like a city where my biggest problem would be something like this--in the morning--LATE morning--my friend Martha Stewart comes to my door and says to me
(yawning, answers "door")
In the name of Olympian Zeus, come to my place for this huge dinner I'm putting on. Don't disappoint me now. If you don't come, then of course I won't let you help me when I get in difficulties with the law.
TEREUS
By heaven, you poor woman, you do like trouble. What about you?
PISH
I'd like the same. [OR That's my view too.]
TEREUS
You want problems too, you unhappy man? There's a happy city by a big sound--Seattleopolis--that's just like the one you mention.
HOPEFUL
No no no no no. Not by the Sound. Somebody will show up on a ship and serve us a summons early in the morning.
PISH
What about Californius? Can you tell us some city there?
TEREUS
Why not go and settle down in Los Angelopolis?
HOPEFUL
In Persepolis? Cosmopolis?
PISH
By all the gods, I hate the place--although I've never seen it--it's all ----'s fault. [Arnold? Hollywood?]
TEREUS
You could go be a Nevahdan--they're in Nevahda.
HOPEFUL and PISH
(automatically) Nevada.
PISH
No way, not for all the gold in Vegas.
HOPEFUL
(warming up to the idea of gold; to PISH)
Really?
PISH
What's it like here, living with the birds?
TEREUS
It's not unpleasant. First of all, you have to live without wallets and credit cards.
PISH
So you got rid of the one great source of fraud in life.
TEREUS
In the gardens we enjoy hazlenuts, wine, mint, berries--fruit of all kinds.
HOPEFUL
So it's like a vacation in paradise!
PISH
(He knew already, but now's the time to pull the con)
That's it! I've got it!
(In silence, he strips to armor, grabs the trash bag from HOPEFUL, takes out helmet)
HOPEFUL
(still looking at bag) I wondered what else was in that bag.
(HOPEFUL sadly puts dress back in; PISH puts on helmet)
HOPEFUL
(looking at PISH, finally realizing what's up)
Oh NO! Here we go!
(No more sleeping!)
PISH
I see a great plan for this race of birds--
(begins to pace manically)
and power too, if you'll trust what I say.
TEREUS
What do you want to get us to do?
PISH
What will you be convinced to do? Well, first, don't just fly about helter skelter, your beaks open--that makes you despised. With us, we say of people who always flit about: (changes voice) "Who's
that birdie brain?" and then we agree, "Yeah, who's that--that Hilton girl again? No? Well, that one's just as flighty, never stays long in one place."
TEREUS
By Dionysus, that's a point--What should we do?
PISH
Settle down together in one city.
HOPEFUL
(standing there without even opening eyes; grumpily)
Like Athens.
TEREUS
What sort of city could we birds set up?
PISH
Why ask that? What a stupid thing to say! Look down.
TEREUS
All right.
PISH
Now look up.
TEREUS
I'm looking up.
PISH
Turn your head round to the side.
TEREUS
By Zeus, this'll do me good, if I twist off my neck.
PISH
Well?
(waits)
What do you see?
TEREUS
Clouds and sky.
PISH
Well, then, isn't this a staging area for birds?
TEREUS
A staging area?
HOPEFUL
(still not opening her eyes)
A place for playing.
PISH
There's lot of business here, but everything keeps moving through it, so it's now called a staging place. But if all of you settled here, fortified it, and fenced it off with walls--
HOPEFUL
(grumpily)
Like Athens.
PISH
it'd become your state. Then you'd rule all people as if they're locusts--and annihilate the gods with famine. [Mention a historical famine?]
TEREUS
How'd we manage that?
PISH
Look, between earth and heaven there's the air. Now, with us, when we want to cross a border we have to beg permission to pass through.
HOPEFUL
Bribes!
PISH
You should do the same. When people sacrifice, make the gods up on Mt. Olympus pay you. If not, you don't grant them rights of passage through here. You stop the smell of roasting meat moving
through your city--a space that doesn't belong to them.
TEREUS
Wow! Yippee!! By earth, snares, traps, nets, what a marvelous scheme! I've never heard a neater plan. So now, with your help, I'm going to found a city!
(small voice)
But the other birds have to agree.
HOPEFUL
(sitting up--she'll have work to do)
The other birds?
PISH
Who's going to lay this business out to them?
TEREUS
You. You can do it. I've taught them how to speak. Before I came, they could only twitter, but I've been with them here a long, long time.
PISH
How do you call them all together?
TEREUS
Easy. I'll wake my nightingale. Then we'll call. Once they hear our voices, they'll fly right in.
HOPEFUL
(wanting to see the birds)
Oh, you darling bird! Good ol' Phiilokrates!
PISH
They don't know who Philokrates is.
HOPEFUL
Oh yes they do.
(If JAY and DUCK are still there to lead, they lead audience; if not, HOPEFUL does)
HOPEFUL
--the crazy vendor in the marketplace who sells birds.
PISH
Now don't just stand there--get in your thicket, wake your nightingale.
(Does TEREUS have a place he sings from? Could be as simple as the stump--even better, a tall practical rock)
(HOPEFUL sits to hear song)
TEREUS
Come my queen, don't sleep so long,
pour forth the sound of sacred song--
sing out. Your music--let it roam
and rise right up to Zeus' throne.
Apollo with the golden hair
sits listening to your music there--
then from his mouth in harmony
come sounds of sacred melody.
(Flute sounds. Procne rises up in back of nest, as though coming out of it, with wings fluttering in flight)
HOPEFUL
(gets up)
By lord Zeus, that little birdie's got a voice! She pours her honey all through the thicket! She must be Florence Nightingale!
PISH
Hey!
HOPEFUL
What?
PISH
Shut up!
HOPEFUL
Why?
PISH
That hoopoe bird--he's set to sing another song.
(HOPEFUL sits down again)
TEREUS
(issuing a bird call to all the bird. His song or chant is accompanied by the flute indicating the nightingale's song)
Epo-popo-popo-popo-popoi,
Io, io, ito, ito, ito.
Come here to me,
all you with feathers just like mine,
HOPEFUL
Yeah. Sure.
TEREUS
all you who live in country fields,
all you who in the furrows there
twitter on the turned-up earth,
and sweetly sing
tio tio tio tio tio tio tio tio--
All those of you who scavenge food,
come here as quickly as you can,
fly here in answer to this call--
trio-to trio-to toto-brix!
And all of you in marshy ground
who snap sharp-biting gnats,
I'm calling you.
You flocks who fly across the seas,
come here to learn the news.
We're all assembling here,
you tribes of long-neck birds.
A sharp man's arrived--
he's here with a new plan,
a man of enterprise,
all set to improvise.
So gather now
to hear his words.
(The final words gradually change from coherent speech into a bird call)
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Toro-toro toro-toro-toro-tix
Kik-kabau, kik-kabau.
Toro-toro toro-toro-toro li-li-lix
(TEREUS disappears around the nest and PROCNE too disappears. HOPEFUL and PISH start looking up into the sky for birds)
PISH
Seen any birds lately?
HOPEFUL
No, by Apollo, I haven't--even though I'm staring up into the sky, not even blinking.
PISH
It seems to me that hoopoe bird was just wasting time hiding, like a finch in the thicket, and screaming out his bird calls--
(imitating TEREUS)
po-poi po-poi
(The Birds have assembled behind the audience. There is an instant response to PISH's call from one of them from behind the audience, a loud bird call that really scares PISH and HOPEFUL)
BIRD
Toro-tix, toro-tix.
PISH
Hey, here comes a --
(Enter the IBIS, a very tall and flaming-red something that HOPEFUL and PISH have never seen)
PISH
My word! That's a bird!
HOPEFUL
It couldn't be a peacock, could it?
(TEREUS comes back)
PISH
Tereus will tell us.
(to Tereus)
Hey, my friend, what's that bird there?
TEREUS
Not your everyday fowl--the kind you always see. She's a marsh bird.
HOPEFUL
My goodness, she's gorgeous--flaming red!
PISH
Ah! A flaming go--uh, fluh-ming-o.
TEREUS
No, she's an ibis.
(The BANTAM ROOSTER struts in)
HOPEFUL
(to PISH)
Hey. . .
PISH
What is it?
HOPEFUL
(Turning PISH to look)
Another bird! A peacock?
PISH
I don't know. By the gods, this one looks odd.
(To Tereus)
Who's this bizarre bird-prophet of the Muse, this strutter from the hills.
TEREUS
A rooster of course--he's called the Mede or the Persian.
PISH
He's a Mede? By lord Hercules, how come a Mede flew here without his camel?
(Enter the GLUTTON-BIRD, an invented species, very fat and brightly colored)
PISH
By Poseidon, here's another bright young bird. What's it called?
HOPEFUL
(certain)
I know--a peacock!
TEREUS
This one's the Glutton-Bird.
PISH
Another glutton? Oh, we have a lot of those in Ameri- Athens.
(PEACOCK enters)
PISH and HOPEFUL
What's that thing? It's proud as a--
TEREUS
Peacock.
PISH and HOPEFUL
Oh-h-h. (As in "I see")
(Other crested birds--FIRECREST and BRUSH FINCH--are running around each other as they move into view)
PISH
Why do they have such head crests? Are they going to run a race in their armor?
HOPEFUL
(confused)
Crest? Running in toothpaste?
TEREUS
(to PISH)
No, my dear fellow, they live up on the crests--it's safer.
PISH
(looking offstage) Holy Poseidon! Do you see all those birds!
HOPEFUL
(looking offstage and at the audience)
What a fowl fellowship
PISH
flocking here!
HOPEFUL
A huge bird cloud! Wow!
(Enter the rest of the BIRDS in a dense mass. PISH and HOPEFUL get up higher to get a better look at them)
PISH
Hey, look at that--it's a partridge
(points to PARTRIDGE)
and that one over there,
(point to audience)
by Zeus, a francolin--there's a widgeon--and that's a halcyon!
HOPEFUL
(looking at audience)
What's the one behind her?
PISH
What is it? It's a spotted shaver.
HOPEFUL
Shaver? You means there's a bird that cuts our hair?
PISH
Why not? After all, there's that barber in the city--that cutthroat bird--Sweeney Todd.
HOPEFUL
Oh yeah.
PISH
(pointing to audience)
Here comes an owl.
HOPEFUL
Well, what about that! Who brings owls to Athens?
PISH
This isn't Athens, you dodo bird.
(identifying birds in the crowd, some in audience, some in chorus; JAY now stands out)
A jay--what pretty feathers!
HOPEFUL
Then why do we say "naked as a jaybird"?
PISH
--lark,
HOPEFUL
What a lark!
PISH
sedge bird,
HOPEFUL
(sees BRUSH FINCH)
brush finch, pigeon,
(RAVEN dances around crazily)
PISH
raven
HOPEFUL
Why, he's stark ravin' mad!
PISH
(sees DUCK waddling into focus)
duck,
HOPEFUL
duck-duck-
(points to audience)
goose.
(looks back at CHORUS, sees one of the birds holding the dove kite flying)
Look! I see a kite--that fierce bird of pray!
PISH
No no, that's a dove, a dove of peace.
HOPEFUL
(pouting)
Looks like a kite to me.
PISH
(points to audience)
. . . cuckoo, redshank, porphyrion, dabchick,
(sees VULTURE)
vulture, and
(sees FIRECREST)
that one's there a . . .
(he's stumped)
a . . . a firecrest!
HOPEFUL
A bevy of birds! A flock of fowls! All that twitters prancing around,
(Their calls sounding harsh now, BIRDS get into fighting formation)
HOPEFUL
those rival cries! Oh oh oh oh oh! What now? A threat? They're looking straight at us--beaks open!
PISH
Looks that way to me.
RAVEN (leading the charge here)
To-toto-to to-toto-to to-to
Who's calling us?
TEREUS
I'm the one. I'm waiting right here by my perch--not leaving my bird friends in the lurch.
CHORUS LITTLE BIRDS
Ti-tit-ti ti-tit-ti ti-ti-ti-ti tell us as a friend then what you have to say.
TEREUS
I have new for all of us--harumph!
(grand manner again)
something sanctuaryesque, sagacious, sweet and salutary. Two humans have just come here to visit me, two subtle thinkers. . .
HOPEFUL
(unbelieving)
Huh!
RAVEN
(interrupting TEREUS)
What? What are you saying?
TEREUS
I'm telling you two have come from land where people live to bring us the stalk of a stupendous plan.
RAVEN
You fool! People here? This is the most disastrous thing since I was pushed out of the nest. What are you telling me?
TEREUS
Don't be afraid. Listen to what I have to say.
RAVEN (SPEAKS FOR THE CHORUS--This is broken up among several of the BIRDS: IBIS, PEACOCK, ROOSTER, RAVEN)
What have you done to us?
TEREUS
Done for you, not to you. I've welcomed here humans in love with our society.
CHORUS (CHORUS OF BIRDS)
(improvising)
What? What-what-what? Tit-tit-tit! That's cuckoo-cuckoo!
RAVEN
How dare you?
TEREUS
Yes! And I'm glad I did!
IBIS
These people--are they here now?
TEREUS
Yes, as sure as I am.
CHORUS
Aiii, aiii
He's cheated us,
he's done us wrong.
This friend of ours,
who all along
has fed with us
in fields we share,
now breaks old laws
and doesn't care.
He swore a pact with all us birds.
He's trapped us now--
deceitful words--
so power goes
to ancient foes,
that wicked race
that since its birth
was primed for war
with us on earth.
RAVEN
We'll have some words with that one later. As to the visitors--
CHORUS
Punish them! Punish them! Punish them!
ROOSTER
Let's do it--rip'em to pieces, bit by bit.
PISH
We're done for.
(hides behind HOPEFUL)
HOPEFUL
It's all your fault--you got us into this mess. Why'd you bring me here?
PISH
I wanted you to come.
HOPEFUL
Why? So I could cry as I die?
PISH
What nonsense! How can you cry, after these birds peck out your eyes?
(ROOSTER leads CHORUS in a military cadence)
CHORUS
On, on . . .
let's attack
and launch a bloody rush-'em
from front and back--
then we'll crush 'em--
with wings on every side
they will have no place to hide.
RAVEN
They will howl as my beak eats.
CHORUS
They're food for fowl.
ROOSTER
No shaded peaks,
no cloud or sea,
where they can flee
from you and me.
RAVEN
(moving around crazily)
Now let's peck and tear them apart!
Where's the sergeant?
ROOSTER
(steps up)
Yes, sir.
RAVEN
Bring up the right wing!
ROOSTER
Yes, sir!
(BIRDS start to close in on PISH and HOPEFUL, cowering up on the rock)
HOPEFUL
That's it! I'm flying the coop!
PISH
(trying again to hide behind HOPEFUL, who moves to leave)
Stay put!
HOPEFUL
Here? With you? They'll rip me to pieces.
PISH
How can you get away?
HOPEFUL
(off the rock now, running in a circle)
I haven't a clue.
PISH
(still on the rock)
Then I'll tell you how--we have to stay right here--
(HOPEFUL, unbelieving, stops short and stares at PISH)
PISH
--we'll fight it out. Put that dutch oven down.
HOPEFUL
What's good a dutch oven?
PISH
It'll keep the birds of prey away.
HOPEFUL
What about their claws?
PISH
Grab your spit--stick it in the ground in front of you.
HOPEFUL
(puts spit in ground; holding skillet in front of face)
How do I protect my eyes?
PISH
(pulling off HOPEFUL the collander she is carrying and putting it on her head)
A helmet! Keep that on your head.
HOPEFUL
(holds collander on head and holds up the skillet like a shield, with spit in the ground)
That's brilliant! What a grand stroke of warlike strategy! You're the best--smarter than that Rumfeldius.
PISH
(offended)
Good grief, no! Petraeus!
(HOPEFUL and PISH await the BIRDS' charge. Despite wearing real armor and a real helmet, PISH hides behind HOPEFUL)
ROOSTER
(leading the charge--military cadence again)
El-el-el-eu
Cock-a-doodle-doo
Charge!
Keeps those beaks level--don't hold back!
Every bird attack, attack!
RAVEN
Pull 'em--
VULTURE
scratch 'em--
ROOSTER
hit 'em!
VULTURE
Rip their skins off!
ROOSTER
Smash that big pot first of all!
(As CHORUS starts to charge, TEREUS rushes in between and tries to stop them)
TEREUS
Stop! Hold on! Why do you want to tear them to bits? They've done nothing wrong. Besides, they could be my wife's relatives.
IBIS
Why should we show them mercy? Of all the animals--
FINCH, FIRECREST, PARTRIDGE
(the smaller birds piping up)
they're our worst enemies!
TEREUS
Yes, by nature enemies--but what about good intentions? What if they can teach you something valuable?
IBIS
How could they ever teach us anything--
PEACOCK
or tell us something useful--
CHORUS
they're our feathered forefathers' fierce foes.
TEREUS
But fine-minded folks find from foemen--uh,
(very anticlimactically)
they can learn a lot. Caution! That's what! Cities learn, not from friends but from foes, how to assemble fleets of airships, build high walls--
HOPEFUL
firewalls, border walls
TEREUS
and all that saves their chicks, nests, and food.
HOPEFUL
It does?
IBIS
Are you sure he isn't here to sell us a bill of goods?
CHORUS
We have enough bills already.
TEREUS
Just hear him out.
(IBIS consults with CHORUS--twitter, twitter)
IBIS
Well, here's what seems best to me--let's at least hear what they have come to say. It's true--our enemies can teach us wisdom.
PISH
I think their anger's easing off. Time for a retreat.
(HOPEFUL and PISH start out with exaggerated tiptoe)
TEREUS
(to BIRDS)
That's only fair--and you do owe me a favor.
IBIS
We've always stood with you.
PISH
They're acting more peaceful now--so put that pot and collander down on the ground. But we'd better hang onto the spit,
(HOPEFUL starts to run. PISH grabs the back of HOPEFUL's chiton. HOPEFUL's feet keep moving but she doesn't get anywhere.)
PISH
our spear. Keep your eyes peeled--
(HOPEFUL sidles a little away)
PISH
and don't even think of flight.
(HOPEFUL holds her helmet on and marches with spear back and forth by the dutch over, on guard. TEREUS watches the humans)
HOPEFUL
(starting to shake) What happens if I'm killed?
PISH
I'll tell the generals you died as a hero fighting with the Athenian troops in a land far far away.
RAVEN
Fall back! Form the ranks we held before. Bend over, and like soldier boys, lay down your spirit and your anger.
(moves around crazily)
(CHORUS retreats as told)
IBIS
We'll look into--
CHORUS
What do they want?
IBIS
Hey, Hoopoe bird, I'm calling you!
TEREUS
(turning to CHORUS)
You called?
(humbly)
Uh--what do you want to hear?
CHORUS
Where do they come from and who are they?
TEREUS
These strangers are from Greece, font of all wisdom.
CHORUS
What accident or words
now brings them to the birds?
TEREUS
They adore the way you live--
HOPEFUL
I do. But Pish--
(PISH hushes HOPEFUL)
TEREUS
they've come to share with you
in all they have to give.
PEACOCK
What's that you just said?
IBIS
What plan is in their head?
TEREUS
Things you'd never think about--
you'll be amazed--just heard him out.
(pushes PISH forward)
PEACOCK
He thinks it's good that he
should stay and live right here with me?
IBIS
Is he trusting some foul plan
PEACOCK
that will help his fellow man?
TEREUS
He talks of happiness
too great for words.
He claims this emptiness
if for the birds--
here, there, and everywhere.
You'll be convinced, I swear.
IBIS
Is he crazy in the head?
RAVEN
(who often acts crazy)
Crazy as a loon?
TEREUS
He's shrewder than I said.
RAVEN
A brilliant thinking box?
TEREUS
The subtlest, sharpest fox,
ROOSTER
(starting to get ready to fight again)
A fox in the hen house?
TEREUS
he's been around a lot--
knows every scheme and plot.
HOPEFUL
That's for sure.
PEACOCK
Ask him to speak to us!
CHORUS
Tell us tell us tell us
VULTURE
As I listen to what you're telling me, it makes me feel like flying--
CHORUS
Taking off!
TEREUS
(to SECRETARY-BIRD)
Take their armor into the house--hang hers
(indicates HOPEFUL)
up in the kitchen--may it bring good luck!
(HOPEFUL shrugs, goes into "house" and gets rid of armor)
TEREUS
(turning to PISH)
Now you. Lay out your plans--explain why I called them all together.
(PISH is struggling with SECRETARY-BIRD, refusing to give up his helmet)
PISH
No. By Apollo, I won't do it--not unless they swear a pact with me--just like the one the monkey made his wife swear to him--not to bit or poke me.
PEACOCK
You mean in your . . .
PISH
I mean in the eyes.
PEACOCK
Oh, I'll agree to that.
PISH
Then swear an oath on it.
PEACOCK
I swear on this condition--that we get all the audience's votes and win the election for best play.
PISH
Best bird play in the amphitheater in August?
PEACOCK
Best bird play, period.
PISH
Best bird play in the amphitheater, that's it. And you'll win all right--there's always Florida.
PEACOCK
And if I break the oath then let us win by just one vote.
PISH
Well--why not?
(HOPEFUL re-enters)
PISH and HOPEFUL
You'll always have Florida.
PEACOCK
(considering)
Well-- And do I get most beautiful bird in a play?
PISH
Most beautiful bird it is.
(CHORUS a protest of twitters. PEACOCK just shakes her head vainly)
RAVEN
Listen, all of you! The army can now stow those weapons. Dismissed.
(BIRDS, who have been in loose formation, bend to pick up unseen weapons, then fall out and run around, twittering to each other in groups. They face PISH)
IBIS
Man's by nature born to lie.
But state your case. Give it a try.
ROOSTER
It just may fly!
FIRECREST
There's a chance you have observed
some useful things inside this bird,
some greater power I possess,
that my birdie brain has never guessed.
CHORUS
So tell us all here what you see.
(to each other)
If there's a benefit to me,
we'll share in it communally.
PISH
(aside to HOPEFUL)
By all the gods! I'm full of words, bursting to speak. I've worked my speech like kneading dough.
(marching manically)
There's nothing stopping me!
IBIS
Tell us the business that brings you here.
RAVEN
Persuade us of your views.
ROOSTER
Speak right up!
PISH
(to SECRETARY-BIRD)
You, bird, fetch me a speaker's wreath.
(SECRETARY-BIRD at once brings wreath)
And bring water here, so I can wash my hands.
HOPEFUL
You mean it's lunch time?
(SECRETARY-BIRD brings a basin of water)
PISH
(washing hands)
I'm keen to give them a stupendous speech--overstuffed--something to shake their tiny birdie souls.
(now turns to BIRDS; deep breath, standing tall)
I'm so sorry for you all, who once were kings--
(Throughout the BIRDS make sympathetic, surprised, and other responses, cooing or whatever fits the context)
PEACOCK
Kings?
CHORUS
Us? Of what?
PISH
Yes, you were kings--you ruled over everything there is,
CHORUS
Everything?
PISH
(pointing to HOPEFUL)
over her and me, first of all, and even over Zeus himself. You see, you ancestry goes back before old Time, way back before even Earth herself!
CHORUS
Before the Earth?
PISH
Yes, by Apollo.
PEACOCK
Well, I didn't know that!
PISH
That's because you're naturally uninformed--you haven't read Aesop. His story tells us that the lark was born before all the other birds, before the Earth. Her father
HOPEFUL
What?
PISH
then grew sick and died. For five days he lay there unburied--there was no Earth. At last the lark, at her wits' end, set him in her own head.
HOPEFUL
(an Aha! moment)
So now the lark's father lies dead in a headland plot.
PISH
(to HOPEFUL)
So if they were born before the Earth, before the gods, well then, they're the eldest. Don't they have the right to rule?
HOPEFUL
Yes, by Apollo--uh, by the birds--
(CHORUS makes strong sounds of affirmation and nodding of heads)
HOPEFUL
yes, they do.
(addressing audience)
So you out there, look ahead and sprout yourselves a beak--Zeus will hand his sceptre back to the birds!
PISH
Way back then it wasn't gods who ruled.
HOPEFUL
(really getting into this)
No. It was the birds.
PISH
There's lots of proof for this. I'll mention here example number one--the fighting cock--
HOPEFUL
The what?
PISH
the rooster--
(ROOSTER struts)
PISH
first lord and king of all those Persians, well before the time of human kings--those Dariuses and Nebuchadnezzars and Megabazuses. Because he was their king, this Persian bird's still called the
king, the cock of the walk!
(ROOSTER struts even more proudly)
HOPEFUL
That's why to this very day the cock struts about like some great Persian king, and on his head he wears his crown erect.
ROOSTER
Cock-a-doodle-do!
PISH
Even now, when he sings out his early morning song, all men leap up to head for work--potters, tanners, food shippers, Wall Street traders, weapons makers--
HOPEFUL
and servants!
PISH
they all set off in the dark.
Take Egypt and Phoenicia--they were ruled by Cuckoo kings. And when they cried "Cuckoooo!"
CHORUS
Cuckoooo!
PISH
all those Phoenicians who knew what was up went to harvest the wheat and barley in their fields.
HOPEFUL
That's why if you get fooled, we called you "Cuckoo!"
PISH
It proves the kingship of the birds that in the cities of the Greeks the king had a bird perched on his sceptre. And it got its own share of all the gifts the king received.
HOPEFUL
Now that I didn't know. I always got amazed in tragedies when some king Priam came on with a bird. I guess it stood there to see what payoffs Jack Abramoff would give.
PISH
Here's the weirdest proof of all--lord Zeus who now commands the sky, because he's king, carries an eagle on his head. His daughter Athena has an owl, and Apollo has a hawk.
HOPEFUL
That's right, by Apol--by Hoopoe! What's the reason for those birds?
PISH
Because way back no man would swear upon the gods--they swore their oaths on birds. And even now, our Lampon [?] seals his promises "By Goose" when he intends to cheat. Because in days gone by, all
men considered you as great and sacred beings. Now they all think of you as useless slaves and fools. They throw stones at you. And every hunter sets up his traps--all those nooses, gins, sticks
and snares, hunting nets, and cages too.
HOPEFUL
(darkly)
So many chickens in little cages laying eggs all their lives.
PISH
Then they sell you by the pound. Buyers poke and prod your flesh. If you seem good to eat, they don't simply roast you by yourself--
HOPEFUL
No no no no no.
PISH
They grate on cheese mix oil with vinegar--and then whip up a sauce, oily and sweet, that they pour on you hot, as if you were a chunk of carrion meat.
CHORUS
Oh great pain!
We mourn again--
Born to rule,
birds threw away
what they received,
their fathers' sway.
PISH
And now people use you as metaphors. As Aeschylus says, You were shot down, not by others, but by arrows from your own feathers.
CHORUS
(responding with mourning sound; then)
But now you've come--
Take up our cause! Take up our cause!
ROOSTER
Here let me state
I'll trust my fate
and all my chicks
to help promote
your politics.
IBIS
Tell us all that we should do. Our lives won't be worth living unless we get back what's ours--our sovereignty.
CHORUS
Birds rule! Birds rule!
PISH
Then the first advice--found right here one single city of the birds. Like this!
(unrolls poster of Portland)
CHORUS
Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah!
HOPEFUL
But that's Portlandia!
PISH
(to HOPEFUL)
It's Athens, you dodo bird!
RAVEN
Oh, Porphyrion! What a mighty place! How well fortified!
HOPEFUL
It is?
(looks at poster again, shakes head unbelievingly)
PISH
(rolls up poster)
Next, encircle the entire sky, all this space between earth and heaven, with a huge wall of baked brick--like Babylon.
Point two--when you've finished that, demand from Zeus that he give you back your rule. If he says no, he doesn't want to and won't sign on, declare war on him. Tell those gods they can't come
through your space!
Point three--send a herald--Hopeful here would be splendid--down to the human beings to say that since birds will now be kings, they'll offer sacrifice to you!
HOPEFUL
And any offerings to gods take second place.
PISH
Then match up each god with the right bird. So if a man still insists on sacrificing sheep to a god, say Poseidon, let him bring toasted wheat grains to the Duck.
DUCK
(waddling about happily)
Quack, quack!
PISH
And anyone who thinks he must go on sacrificing to Hercules has to give the Ibis here some honey cakes. A ram for Zeus, who used to be king? Your Nightingale's the queen of song, ahead of king Zeus
himself--
HOPEFUL
Why not?
PISH
So give her her fill of executed gnats.
HOPEFUL
I like that bit about the slaughtered gnats. Now thunder on, great Zeus--you're a has-been.
CHORUS
But will humans think of us as gods?
IBIS
And not just jackdaws flying around on wings?
PISH
A foolish question. Mercury is a god, and he has wings. There's Victory with wings of gold. And Cupid too. Then there's Iris--just like a shy dove, that's what Homer says.
HOPEFUL
But what if Zeus fires his ligtning bolt down on us? That's got wings too.
PISH
(ignoring HOPEFUL)
Now if men in their stupidity think nothing of you and keep worshipping Olumpian gods, then a cloud of birds, like you partridges, firecrests, and finches, must attack their farms, devouring all
their seed. And who can peck out the eyes of their livestock, the ones that pull the ploughs to work the land, and their other creatures too? You ravens!
HOPEFUL
(intonation like "And Beetlebaum")
And the Glutton-Bird.
PISH
Let Apollo make them better--he's the god of healing, after all.
HOPEFUL
But I've got to sell my two little oxen first!
PISH
And if they think of you as gods, as life, as Earth, as Time and Poseidon, too, then let all good things come to them!
PEACOCK
Good things?
CHORUS
What good things?
PISH
Well, locusts won't eat the blossoms on their vines. The peacocks in just one platoon will rid them of those pests. Worms won't devour the figs. What will eradicate them one and all? A troop of
hoopoes.
HOPEFUL
(intonation like "And Beetlebaum")
And the Glutton-Bird.
PEACOCK
But how will we make people rich? That's what they want.
PISH
When people come petitioning your shrines, you'll tell them the best routes for trade. That way no captain of a ship will be wiped out.
PEACOCK
Why?
PISH
They always observed the birds, haven't they? They've asked the birds about the trip.
HOPEFUL
Yeah--a little birdie told them.
PISH
And you'll say, "A storm is on the way. Don't go just yet" or "Now's the time to go--you'll turn a tidy profit."
HOPEFUL
Hey, that's for me! I'll buy a merchant ship.
PISH
And you birds can show men the mining sites that pay, the silver treasures long buried in the ground. For birds know where these are. Men always say, "No one knows where my treasure lies, no one, except maybe some bird."
HOPEFUL
A little birdie saw them!
So I'll sell my boat. I'll dig up tons of gold.
IBIS
How will we make humans halthy? The gods do that.
PISH
If they're doing well, isn't that giving them good health?
HOPEFUL
You're right. A man whose business is going bankrupt doesn't ever feel well.
IBIS
All right, but how will they live long and prosper? Olympian gods bestow that. Will they die young?
PISH
No, no, by the go--by the birds! You birds will add on years, three hundred more.
RAVEN
And where will that come from?
PISH
From the birds' supply. You know the saying, "Five human lifetimes lives the cawing raven."
RAVEN
Caw! Caw!
HOPEFUL
My word, these birds,
I'll lay odds,
will lead better than the gods!
PISH
(to HOPEFUL) Yes, they're better qualified! And just think, humans don't have to build birds holy shrines made out of stone, or put up golden doors to decorate bird temples. No, we'll just stand
among the olive trees--
HOPEFUL
Ah! That's their temple.
PISH
with an offering--barley grains or wheat--uttering our prayers, our arms outstretched, so from them we receive our benefits.
What gain!
HOPEFUL
We'll just throw them handfuls of grain.
IBIS
You man, you're transformed to me--from my worst enemy into my friend, my dearest friend.
(to BIRDS)
Will we carry this out?
CHORUS
We're ready to soar!
This pact so clever
we'll never sever.
We'll keep it forever!
VULTURE
You can shake my claw on it!
CHORUS
The words you've said make us rejoice
and so we swear with just once voice
IBIS
an oath that if you stand with me
CHORUS
our aims will be in unity--
FINCH
honest,
PARTRIDGE
pious,
FIRECREST
just,
RAVEN
sincere,
CHORUS
to go against the gods up there!
If we're all singing the same song,
the gods won't keep our sceptre long.
RAVEN
What strength can do, we'll take on--
PEACOCK
what needs thinking through, that's up to you.
RAVEN
Take it all back!
ROOSTER
A coup (pronounced COOP here) d'etat (prounounced TAT here)!
PISH
That's right, by Zeu--by the birds.
(to HOPEFUL)
No time for dozing. Get up and get at it fast. Let it start now!
(to TEREUS)
When do we eat?
CHORUS
(moving about in a great flock)
Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!
TEREUS
(all stiff and formal again)
Before you come into my humble nest, these sticks and twigs assembled here, tell us your names.
PISH
My name's Pisthetairos--Pish.
CHORUS
Pish! Pish! We elect Pish!
IBIS
Here's change we can believe in!
CHORUS
Pish! Pish! Pish!
TEREUS
And this one?
HOPEFUL
I'm Hopeful.
TEREUS
Are you really? Welcome, both of you.
PISH and HOPEFUL
Thanks a lot.
TEREUS
Won't you come in?
PISH
You go first--show us the way.
TEREUS
Come on, then.
IBIS
(to TEREUS)
Hold on!
FINCH, PARTRIDGE, FIRECREST
Twit-twit-too!
IBIS
I'm calling you.
TEREUS
Why are you calling me this time?
IBIS
Take them in--give 'em a good meal. But bring your tuneful nightingale out here, who with the Muses sings such songs--
FIRECREST
leave here with us so we can play together.
PISH
Yes, by the--the birds! Bring your little birdie in the reeds.
HOPEFUL
Bring her out, so we can see this lovely nightingale of yours.
RAVEN
Buffalo gal, won't you come out tonight?
TEREUS
If that's what you want, it must be done.
(calling inside)
Come, Procne. Our guests are calling for you.
(PROCNE enters from the house playing her flute)
PISH
Holy Zeu--goose, that's one gorgeous little bird!
HOPEFUL
What a tender chick! And such a voice!
(PISH and HOPEFUL keep turning to look at her as they go in)
IBIS
Ah, my tawny-throated love,
of all the birds that fly above,
you're dearest to my heart.
FINCH
Your sweet melodious voice in my song plays its part--
CHORUS
our lovely Nightingale, you've come, you've come.
PEACOCK
And now you're here with me,
pour forth your melody.
(The flute continues to play as the prose poem goes on)
IBIS
(up on the rock)
Come now, you people there, who live such dark, sad lives, you tribe of shadows without wings, now turn your mind to us, the eternal, deathless, airborne, ageless birds, whose wisdom never dies. So
hear from us the truth about how the birds sprang into being. At the start there was Chaos. But once an egg was hatched, and out of it sprang Love, on his back the glitter of his golden wings.
From Love our race was born. Before that there was no immortal race at all,
RAVEN
not before Love mixed all things up!
IBIS
Then Heaven was born, Ocean and Earth--and all that clan of gods. So we're by far the oldest of all blessed ones, for we are born from Love.
PEACOCK
All mortals' greatest benefits come from us birds. We make the seasons known--springtime, winter, autumn--
RAVEN
it's time to sow as soon as Crane migrates to Libya with all that noise. After that the Kite appears to let you know the season's here to shear the sheep.
PEACOCK
Then Swallow comes. Now you should sell your winter cloak and get yourself a light one.
IBIS
Whatever matters in a prophecy, you label that a bird--
RAVEN
Rumor's a bird, you give people the bird, a servant's a dodo bird, and as we've said, someone's crazy as a bird--
who, me?
PEACOCK
Loony,
VULTURE
cuckoo.
IBIS
So we're your Apollo, and Pan too.
CHORUS
So make gods of the birds,
your muses prophetic,
whose words
round the year you've got,
FINCH
unless it's too hot.
CHORUS
Your requests'll always be heard
by every one of us birds.
And we won't run away to a cloud,
sit like Zeus, god so proud.
We're ready to give,
ROOSTER
hang out where you live,
RAVEN
be there for you
in the crowd.
IBIS
Yes, to you, your children, and their children, too, we'll grant wealth and health, good life, and happiness, peace, youth, laughter, dances, festivals of song--
CHORUS
you'll find yourself worn out with our fine gifts--yes, that's how rich you'll be.
IBIS
So you people there, who live such dark, sad lives--if you'd like to enjoy life like the birds, come to us.
(comes down from the rock)
RAVEN
If any of you out there had wings like us, well, if you were feeling hungry or bored with these bird choruses, you could fly away, go home for dinner, and then fly back to us again.
VULTURE
Don't you see how having wings beats everything?
(HOPEFUL and PISH enter)
CHORUS
All right then. We're ready! What do we need to do now?
PISH
First we have to name our city, something grandiloquent and elegant. After that we sacrifice an offering to the new bird gods.
HOPEFUL
That's what I think too.
IBIS
So what name should we give to our city?
PISH
Well, do you want to reuse that mighty name--and call it Sparta?
HOPEFUL
By Hercules, would I call my city Sparta? No. Their beds are too hard.
PISH
All right, then--what name?
IBIS
Something from around here--
HOPEFUL
Newbergius? McMinnvillanous?
IBIS
No and no. Something to do with clouds, something airy, you know, that you know about--high places full of air. Yes, something really really grand.
PISH
Well, then, how do you like this: Cloudcuckooland?
IBIS
Yes!
CHORUS
Yes yes yes! That's good!
IBIS
You've come up with a name!
CHORUS
It's great!
PISH
This fine metropolis! Oh, what a glittering thing this city is!
HOPEFUL
Now who should be the city's guardian god?
PISH
Who will hold our city's strong Storkade?
RAVEN
The bird among us of a Persian breed--it's said to be the fiercest anywhere of all the war god's chicks.
(ROOSTER struts proudly)
HOPEFUL
Some princely cocks? They're just the gods to live among the rocks!
PISH
(to HOPEFUL)
Come now, move up into the air and help them build up the wall--hoist rubble for 'em, strip and mix the mortar, haul up the hod, and fall off the ladder.
HOPEFUL
Ow!
PISH
Put guards in place. Make your inspection rounds holding the bell. Even sleep up there. Then send out heralds--one to gods above, you to humans below. Then come back to me.
HOPEFUL
And what about you? You'll stay here? Well, to Athens with you!
PISH
Hey, my friend, (arm around HOPEFUL's shoulders), you should go where I send you--without you none of all this work will get done. OK, we need a sacrifice to our ancient bird gods--porphyrion,
phoenix, pherodactyl,
HOPEFUL
(correcting, grumpily)
pterodactyl,
(still listing birds)
dodo bird.
PISH
I'll go get it ready.
(starts to go, then realizes he should wait for assent)
PEACOCK
I think it's good--
IBIS
and I agree,
CHORUS
your notions here are fine with me,
(PISH nods and exits)
CHORUS
a great big march with dancing throngs
and to birds gods send holy songs,
and a sacrifice!
Let's shout
our chorus out!
(RAVEN plays crazily and erratically on the pan pipes. PISH, accompanied by SECRETARY-BIRD, comes out of the house with a big knife and a tiny sacrifice on the spit PISH and HOPEFUL brought.
SECRETARY-BIRD now has on a small himation wrap and over that a cloak)
PISH
Stop blowing all that noise! By Herc--by the bird gods, what's this?
I've seen strange things, heaven knows,
but a raven with a pipe shoved up his nose?
Let us now pray to all Olympian birds and birdesses.
PEACOCK
Oh sacred Hawk of Apollo, all hail to you,
PISH
and to Pythian Swan of Delos,
IBIS
and to Artemis the Goldfinch
PEACOCK
Oh sacred owl of Athena!
IBIS
And hail to the great ostrich mother of the gods.
PISH
Oh birdie gods, oh you out there, give to all Cloudcuckooites security, good health as well--and to the Oregonians too.
SECRETARY-BIRD
I do like that--the way those Oregonians always get tacked on everywhere.
(VULTURE is starting to edge in toward the sacrifice)
HOPEFUL
(rattling on very fast; closing eyes and then alternately looking around to see who to include)
to ravens and roosters and their chicks, to pelicans, partridges, peacocks and ibises, to secretary-birds, hoopoe birds, firecrest birds, to nightingales, herons, ducks, gannets, to small finches and
even smaller bush tits, to ospreys and vultures, to--
(VULTURE is hovering over the sacrifice)
PISH
Hold on! Stop calling all these birds. Dodo bird! In what kind of sacrifice does anyone call for ospreys and vultures? Don't you see--one vulture could snatch this and carry it away.
(Pushes VULTURE away. To HOPEFUL)
And you get out of here too! I'll do it myself! Go do your heralding!
(HOPEFUL exits)
CHORUS
Now once again we have to sing
a song to purify this thing.
A few blest birds we have to call--
but not to eat
this tiny sacrificial meat.
PISH
(raises arms to heaven) Let us pray while we make sacrifice to our feathery gods--(shuts his eyes) Om!
(Everyone shuts eyes)
POET
(dressed very poorly in patched poet shirt and patched and degraded cloak; bursts in reciting as he enters. Perhaps he carries a lyre.)
O Muse, in your songs sig the renow
Of Cloudcuckooland--this happy town.
PISH
Where'd this thing come from?
POET
Me? From the Muse. I'ma sweet-tongued warbler of the words--a nimble servant of the Muse, as Homer says.
PISH
Servant? No doubt that's why your nimble cloak's so worn.
(poetically)
But, oh poet, why hast thou come hither?
POET
I've been making up all sorts of splendid songs to celebrate your fine Cloudcuckoolands--dithyrambs and virgin songs and other tunes after the style of that Paul Simonides.
PISH
And when did you compose these tunes?
POET
Oh, long long ago--yes, I've been singing the glory of this town for years.
PISH
Look here--it's only today, like with a newborn child, I've given the city its name.
POET
Ah yes, but Muses' words are swift indeed--
like twinkling hooves on a rapid steed
So thou, oh father, first of birdland's kings,
whose name means lots of holy things,
present me something from they grace
whate'er you wish, just nod your face.
PISH
This fellow here is going to give us more trouble than even his bad lines--unless we can escape by giving something.
(calling SECRETARY-BIRD)
You there with the wrap. Strip it off. Give it up to this master poet.
(to poet)
Take it. You look as if you're freezing cold, and that's quite a feat on this hot day.
POET
The darling Muse accepts the gift
and not unwillingly--
But now your wit should get a lift
from Pindar's words . . .
PISH
This fellow's never going to go away!
(CHORUS moves in closer to POET. POET backs up but keeps talking)
POET
(making up a quotation)
"Out there he wanders in all his shame,
he who has no garment organically made--
a wrap on, true, no cloak to his name."
PISH
Pindar never said that. But I get it--you want the cloak too.
(to SECRETARY-BIRD)
Take it off. We must give public assistance to our poets.
(to POET)
Take it and get out.
(CHORUS moves in even closer to POET)
POET
(backing slowly)
I'm on my way--
But as I go I'll still make songs like these in honor of your city--
"O thou sitting on a golden throne,
sing to celebrate that shivering, quivering land.
I walked its snow-swept fruitful plains . . .
(PISH and CHORUS runs him off)
POET
Aaaiiiiii!
PISH
Zeus knows--er, the Birds know--that's a problem I hadn't thought about--he learned about our city here so fast.
(turning to the sacrifice)
Let everyone observe a sacred silence now . . .
(Enter the PROPHET, a monger of oracles carrying a scroll, interrupting)
PROPHET
Don't sacrifice that!
PISH
What? Who are you?
PROPHET
I'm a prophet--
(rubbing forefinger and thumb in money-grubbing gesture)
you know, a "profit"--
(PISH just stands there staring in the silence)
PROPHET
you know, the one who explains the oracles.
PISH
To Athens with you!
PROPHET
Now, now, my dear good man, don't disparage things divine. There's an oracle that speaks of your Cloudcuckooland--it has to do with you.
PISH
Then how come you didn't talk to me about this prophecy before I set my--uh, the birds'--city here?
PROPHET
The powers divine held me back.
PISH
Well, I guess there's nothing wrong in listening to it now.
PROPHET
(unrolling the scroll and reading)
"Once dark ravens--
RAVEN
Caw!
PROPHET
and wolves shall live together in that space between Corinth and earth--"
PISH
What? Corinth?
PROPHET
It's the oracle's cryptic way of saying "air."
"Whoever first comes to prophesy my words,
let him receive a brand new cloak and sandals."
PISH
Are sandals in there too?
PROPHET
Consult the book.
"Give him the bowl, fill his hands full . . ."
PISH
Does it say that in there?
(BIRDS start to move forward, ROOSTER and FINCH at the front)
PROPHET
Consult the book.
"Inspired youth,
if thou dost complete what here I do command,
thou shalt become an eagle in the clouds--
if thou will not give them me, thou wilt ne'er become
an eagle,
(looking at the birds)
or a rooster, or even a brush finch."
PISH
That's all in there too?
PROPHET
Consult the book.
PISH
(pulling out a sheet of paper from his clothes)
Your oracle is not at all like this one--Apollo's very words. I wrote them down. "When an imposter comes without an invitation--a cheating rogue--and pesters men at sacrifice, so keen is he to
taste it, well then, he must be beaten hard between the ribs . . ."
(BIRDS move, murmur assent)
PROPHET
I don't think you're reading that.
PISH
(holds it away from PROPHET)
Consult the book.
"Do not spare him, even if he's way up there, an eagle in the clouds, not even if he's Homer returned in the flesh."
(BIRDS threaten)
PROPHET
(backing up)
That's not in there, is it?
PISH
Consult the book.
Now get out! To Athens with you!
(PISH, hitting him with his own scroll, and BIRDS chase him out)
PROPHET
Ooooh--poor me! Poor me!
PISH
Run off and do your soothsaying somewhere else!
(DEVELOPER enters in hard hat, work boots, with surveying equipment)
PISH
(glad to see someone coming)
Oh, here's the messenger bringing news from what's happening with the wall building.
DEVELOPER
I've come here among you--
PISH
(so disappointed)
You're not the messenger. You're just more trouble. What have you come up here to do? What's your scheme? Why hike up here in a hard hat?
DEVELOPER
I intend to measure out the air for you--dividing into surveyed lots.
PISH
For heaven's sake, who are you?
DEVELOPER
(shocked)
Why, don't you know--I'm the Citizen of the Year--famous throughout Newbergius.
PISH
What's that you got there?
DEVELOPER
(very fast, while he's setting up the equipment) Tools to measure air. You see, the air is, in its totality, shaped like a domed pot cover. Thus. . . and so, from up above I'll lay my tape--it
bends . . . thus . . . set my tripod there . . . You see?
PISH
I don't get it.
DEVELOPER
With this straight yardstick here I measure this, so that your circle here becomes a square--and right in the middle there we have a lifestyle market place, with straight highways proceeding to the
center, like a star, which although circular, shines forth straight beams in all directions . . . Thus . .
PISH
Now, Mr. Newbergius--
DEVELOPER
(answering)
What?
PISH
you know I love you--so do as I say and head out of town.
DEVELOPER
Am I in danger?
PISH
It's like in Sparta--they're pecking strangers out--lots of trouble--plenty of clawing on the way through town.
DEVELOPER
You mean a revolution?
PISH
Oh, please, no, not that.
DEVELOPER
Then what?
PISH
They've reached a firm decision--it was unanimous--to swoop and strip every con man--
(doubletake at audience, grimace: that's who he is)
uh, everyone in it for himself.
DEVELOPER
I think I'd best be off.
PISH
You should, by the Birds, although you may not be in time--the blows are coming thick and fast . . .
(PISH starts hitting DEVELOPER)
CHORUS
Not in my neighborhood! Not in my neighborhood!
Not in my back yard! Not in my back yard! Not in my back yard!
(BIRDS chase him out)
DEVELOPER
Oh dear me, I'm in a pickle.
(exits)
PISH
(yelling after him)
Didn't I say that some time ago? Go back to Athens [OR Newbergius OR go to Portlandia] to do your developing!
(Enter two POLITICIANS, one John McCain, the Republican, and the other the Democratic presidential candidate, dressed "officially" in patriotic colors. [We sure hope the Democrats have settled on
their candidate in time!] They are accompanied by FANATIC FOLLOWERS carrying signs and ballot boxes, thus labeled, and yelling out slogans. Signs and slogans will change no doubt by August. In
April these were some--Some Republican signs and slogans shouted out: Nation of Courage, Never Give Up, We'll Never Surrender, Are You Ready for Change?, The President Americans Have Been Waiting
For, Ready on Day One. [Some anti-Obama or Hillary signs?] Some Democratic signs and slogans shouted out: Change You Can believe In, We Are the Change We Have Been Waiting For, Ready on Day One,
She/He's Ready to Lead, Are You Ready for Change? I'm Ready to Lead. McSame (crossed out) McCan't (crossed out), 100 Years of War; Is that George Bush? No it's McSame. If candidate is Obama, look
for more slogans; two are Yes, We Can and Keep Your Eyes on the Prize. If candidate is Hillary, women slogans: Smart Girls Rule; You've Come a Long way, Baby; You Go, Girl; Is she over the hill?
No, she's storming the hill--Hill, Hill, up the hill.
JAY and DUCK set up a scoreboard and write "Democrat" on one side, "Republican" on the other. When a joke goes against either one, they write it in a gate count.
Throughout this scene the CHORUS stands aside, not involving itself as with other visitors--they're not sure what to do.)
DEMOCRAT
Where is your honorary governor?
PISH
Honorary?
IBIS
Pish isn't ornery.
PISH
Who are these people [men]--human flags?
FANATIC FOLLOWERS
(speaking all at once saying various things)
They're running for President. She/He's going to be President. No, he is.
(They almost come to blows. To PISH)
Don't you know anything?
ONE FANATIC FOLLOWER
Where have you been, under a rock?
PISH
On top of one, here, actually.
(More raucous noise from FANATIC FOLLOWERS)
PISH
Be quiet, can't you? I can't hear a thing.
DEMOCRAT
We have come to Cloudcuckooland as your candidates for President.
REPUBLICAN
So one of us will be President here.
PISH
You will?
DEMOCRAT and REPUBLICAN
We were picked by lot--
DEMOCRAT
--a lot of primaries!
PISH
For President.
DEMOCRAT and REPUBLICAN
Yes, for change you can believe in.
FANATIC FOLLOWERS
(chanting)
Change you can believe in. Change you can believe in.
FANATIC FOLLOWERS
(to each other)
Hey, that's our slogan. No, that's ours--we had it first.
(more raucous noise from FANATIC FOLLOWERS, who almost come to blows again)
CHORUS
Change you can believe in? We've already got that!
FANATIC FOLLOWERS
(chanting)
Change you can believe in. Change you can believe in.
(REPUBLICAN candidate exits back around the nest followed by his FANATIC FOLLOWERS)
REPUBLICAN FANATIC FOLLOWERS
McCain! McCain! McCain! McCain!
JAY
(leads audience who want to)
McCain! McCain! McCain!
(We can still hear them as they go off. At the same time, the DEMOCRATIC FANATIC FOLLOWERS shout out the name of their candidate repeatedly)
DUCK
(leads audience who want to in the name of the Democratic candidate)
Obama! Obama! Obama!
[OR Hillary! Hillary! Hillary!]
(DEMOCRATIC FANATIC FOLLOWERS shout out the name of their candidate even louder)
PISH
(shouting at DEMOCRATIC FANATIC FOLLOWERS)
BE QUIET!
(to DEMOCRAT)
You were saying? Why are you here?
DEMOCRAT
I've come here to give you brand new laws.
PISH
What laws?
DEMOCRAT
Like this-- Here's one that I'll make the law of the land--
PISH
You? I thought Congress made the laws.
DEMOCRAT
(reading from a scroll)
"In order to do all we plan to do, we need to raise money, so residents of Cloudcuckooland--and the world--must pay for everything with the same dollar that we use."
PISH
(raising knife at DEMOCRAT)
Soon enough I'll pay you!
DEMOCRAT
What's up with you?
PISH
Take your new laws and shove off.
(DEMOCRAT runs off, back of the nest. His/her FANATIC FOLLOWERS follow, shouting out his/her name. REPUBLICAN and his FANATIC FOLLOWERS come back around the nest)
PISH
What, you again? Who sent you here?
REPUBLICAN
My party of course--it's a fund raiser.
(addresses audience)
And I can tell that you out there are all big spenders, ready to support the Republican cause.
JAY
(leads audience who want to)
McCain! McCain! McCain!
PISH
How'd you like to get your money and just leave?
REPUBLICAN
That'd be nice. I should be staying home, resting up for the election. And I need more time for the work I'm doing for the war effort.
PISH
Then take what you've earned and go. Here's what you get.
(strikes REPUBLICAN)
REPUBLICAN
What was that?
PISH
A motion on behalf of my birdie friends.
(strikes REPUBLICAN again)
REPUBLICAN
I call on witnesses--he's hitting me--elder abuse!--he can't do that--I'm a Presidential candidate!
(Exit back around the nest)
REPUBLICAN FANATIC FOLLOWERS
(following)
McCain! McCain! McCain! McCain!
JAY
(leads audience who want to)
McCain! McCain! McCain!
PISH
(running after him)
And take your ballot boxes with you!
(But no one takes the ballot boxes)
PISH
(coming back; to CHORUS)
Don't you find it weird?
(CHORUS makes bird sound murmurs of assent)
PISH
Already they've sent out candidates for President to oversee the city, before we've even made the bird gods' sacrifice.
DEMOCRAT
(entering again, reading from the long scroll, trailed by DEMOCRATIC FANATIC FOLLOWERS)
"If a resident of Cloudcuckooland . . .
PISH
Here come scrolls again--what's the trouble now?
DEMOCRAT
I'm a statute-seller and I'm here to sell you the American dream set up in our brand new laws:
PISH
What laws now?
DEMOCRAT
(reading) "If a resident of Cloudcuckooland should wrong--as you just did--a citizen of Athens--"
PISH
(kicking or hitting)
I'll give you laws you'll really feel!
(running after DEMOCRAT)
(DEMOCRAT and FOLLOWERS exit on one side. REPUBLICAN and FOLLOWERS enter again from the other side, behind PISH)
REPUBLICAN
I'll ruin you. I'll take you to court--yes, clear up to the Supreme Court. They will see it my way.
PISH
(chasing REPUBLICAN off)
And I'm throwing out those ballot boxes of yours!
(CHORUS throws ballot boxes off)
PISH
(still running; shouting to the disappeared REPUBLICANS)
You'll never have Florida!
DEMOCRAT
(entering with FOLLOWERS from the other side; reading from the scroll again)
"If anyone chases off official candidates and won't receive them as the law decrees--"
PISH
Are you still here?
DEMOCRAT
(looking up from scroll)
Have you any memory of those evenings when you used to deface the public pillars where our laws are carved?
PISH
Someone grab him/her!
(CHORUS tries to catch DEMOCRAT as he/she runs off with FOLLOWERS)
PISH
(yelling after DEMOCRAT)
Not going to stick around this time?
(to CHORUS)
I'm getting out of here. I'm going inside where I can sacrifice in peace.
(Starts to take sacrifice and knife inside)
(DEMOCRAT and REPUBLICAN and their FOLLOWERS enter from both sides at the same time, yelling candidates' names. JAY and DUCK lead audience too)
PISH
Oh, no.
(suddenly sits in total despair)
(REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT stand above the fray, one on one side, the other on the other. They look at each other. REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT FOLLOWERS meet in the center. They yell names louder and
louder. PISH puts hands over ears, bows his head in despair. The REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT FOLLOWERS start to bash each other with signs. REPUBLICAN and DEMOCRAT back off, exit slowly, each a
different way. First one party's FOLLOWERS push the others back, then it switches. Finally CHORUS gets involved: one of them brings in a dove of peace, and CHORUS moves in)
CHORUS
Make peace. Make peace, says the dove of peace.
(But ignoring CHORUS, FOLLOWERS from each party run off a few of the other party until all have disappeared. There is dead silence)
PISH
(looking up)
Are they all gone?
(silence)
Well. They took care of that themselves OR That's taken care of [as though taking credit for it]. What will November bring?
(exits into house with sacrifice and knife)
PEACOCK
All mortals commencing on this day
at every shrine will sacrifice to me,
IBIS
from now on offering me the prayers they say,
for I control them all and everything I see.
CHORUS
We watch the world, and we protect
the growing crops, for we have power to kill
the insects that will eat their fill.
RAVEN
All living beasts that bite and crawl
are killed--my beak destroys them all.
CHORUS
This public notice has been proclaimed today: if one of you
assassinates some tyrant long since dead and gone, he gets one talent. So now, the birds make the same announcement. Any one who kills Philokrates the Sparrowman--
JAY and DUCK
(to audience)
You know who he is.
CHORUS
will get one talent--and if he brings him in alive, he'll get four. That man strings finches
FINCH
(some bird sound similar to:)
Ack! Ack!
CHORUS
up together, then sells 'em by the obol. He captures pigeons too, locks them up, and makes them work for him, tied up as decoy birds.
So the notice says:
ROOSTER
If anyone is keeping birds in cages in your courtyards, we decree,
CHORUS
"Let them go."
If you don't obey,
RAVEN
It's your turn!
CHORUS
you will be arrested by the birds, tied up and forced to work as decoys where we live.
(RAVEN exits to come in as BUILDER BIRD)
CHORUS
Oh happy tribes
of feathered friends--
we never need
a winter cloak.
In summer days
the sun's far rays
don't injure us.
We live at ease
among the leaves
in flowery fields.
CHORUS (continuing)
In love with sun
our songbird sing
through noonday heat
their sweet-toned song.
In winter caves
and hollow spots
we play all day
with mountain nymphs.
In spring we eat
white myrtle buds
in garden places
of the Graces.
PEACOCK
(coming close to audience)
And now we want to speak to all the audience here, you judges of plays, about our victory--what a splendid thing we'll give you if your verdict goes our way--
IBIS
Yes, what every judge is really keen to have--If you hold some office and want to get rich quick, we'll set a sharp-beaked secretary bird in your hands.
PEACOCK
And if you don't vote for us, you'd better get some little metal plates to guard your head.
IBIS
You'll need to wear them, just like statues do!
PEACOCK
If you don't have your head plate on, when you dress up in brand-new clothes, you know what we birds will do-do-do.
PISH
(entering from the house)
Well, that's taken care of. You birds, we've made a splendid sacrifice. But where is that messenger from the walls. What's going on up there?
IBIS
Here he is, panting--
PISH
like an Olympic athlete finishing his race.
RAVEN as BUILDER BIRD
(all dirtied up and wearing tool belt; doubling up, can hardly speak; to CHORUS)
Where is . . . Where is he . . . where . . . where is . . . where . . .
where . . .where . . . our governor Pishthetairos?
(faints)
CHORUS rush to revive him, waving their wings to get him oxygen. SECRETARY BIRD and PISH pull him to his feet)
CHORUS
Yea!
PISH
(turning BUILDER BIRD around to face him)
Here I am.
BUILDER BIRD
The building of your wall . . .
(pant, pant)
it's done.
PISH
That's great.
BUILDER BIRD
(gradually catching his breath as he continues to talk)
The result--the best there is . . . the most magnificent . . . so wide across that men could drive two chariots in opposite directions past each other along the top. Yes, even if they had giant
horses, bigger than that wooden horse at Troy.
I measured it myself--it's six hundred feet tall.
PISH
Wow! By Posei--by the Builder Birds, that's tall! Who built it so high?
BUILDER BIRD
The birds,
CHORUS
Yes, we did. Yes, we did!
BUILDER BIRD
nobody else. No Egyptian bore the bricks. They worked by hand--by mouth and wing. Thirty thousand cranes flew in from Libya--they brought foundation stones they'd swallowed down.
PISH
(intonation like "And Beetlebaum")
And the Glutton-Bird.
BUILDER BIRD
Ten thousand ibises brought bricks. Pelicans fetched up the water.
PISH
Who hauled the mortar?
BUILDER BIRD
Herons carried hods.
PISH
How'd they load those hods?
BUILDER BIRD
My dear man, that was clever. Ducks shoved their feet into the muck and slid them just like shovels, then flicked it into the hods.
PISH
Is there anything we can't do with our feet?
BUILDER BIRD
Then, by the birds, the jays with slings attached around their waists set up the bricks. Behind them flew the swallows like trowels, carrying mortar in their mouths.
PISH
Why should we have to hire out for wages any more?
Who finished off the wall woodwork?
BUILDER BIRD
The most skilled craftsman birds of course--the woodpeckers. They pecked away to make the gates--the noise those peckers made--an arsenal! Now the gates are bolted shut and guarded on all sides.
Sentires make round, and troops are in position, with signal fires on every tower.
I've got to wash up--is there a birdie bath?
(exits)
CHORUS
(to PISH)
Aren't you astonished? The wall's finished so fast!
PISH
Yes, I admit I am. It's so amazing that it sounds--yes, truth is stranger than fiction--it sounds just like some made-up lie.
Who's coming? Looks like guards from up on top.
(VULTURE and ROOSTER run in very fast, VULTURE first)
PISH
(looks at VULTURE)
His face looks like . . .
VULTURE
(in a great panic)
Hey . . . hey . . . Help . . . hey you . . . help!
PISH
What's going on?
VULTURE
(he can only sputter)
There's a . . . there's a . . .
ROOSTER
One of the gods from Zeus has just got through, flown in the air past the gates and the jackdaw sentinels.
PISH
What god?
ROOSTER
We're not sure. He had wings--we know that.
VULTURE
(finally overcoming panic enough to speak)
We did dispatch the mounted archers, all moving out with talons curved and ready--kestrels, buzzards, eagles,
(proudly)
vultures--the air vibrating with the beat of their battering wings.
ROOSTER
They'll search him out.
VULTURE
He's not far off--
ROOSTER
in fact, he's here somewhere already.
(VULTURE and ROOSTER go into CHORUS to rev them up into an army)
PISH
Someone get a slingshot for me!
(SECRETARY BIRD runs and gets a slingshot at once. TEREUS comes out with a bow and arrow)
CHORUS
(in grand epic style)
And now the combat starts, a strife beyond all words,
the gods at war with us, the ruling birds.
Look, look
(they do)
on every side--already I can hear close by
the sound of beating wings from some god in the sky.
(Enter from behind the audience IRIS the rainbow goddess, wearing a wing-like cape. She "hovers" in mid-air flapping her "wings")
PISH
Hey you--just where do you think you're flying?
CHORUS
(all in their ranks)
Illegal trespasser!
PISH
Stay where you are. Don't move. Stop running. Who are you? Where are you from?
IRIS
I'm from the Olympian gods.
PISH
You got a name?
IRIS
I'm fast Iris.
PISH
Fast as in an airship or fast as . . .?
IRIS
What is all this?
PISH
Is there a vulture here who'll fly up there to arrest this woman?
(VULTURE starts out for her)
IRIS
Arrest me? Rubbish!
(PISH attempts to hit IRIS by swinging his sling, but she's too fast for him)
PISH
You're going to be so sorry!
IRIS
This whole affair is most unusual.
PISH
What gate did you get through?
IRIS
Gate? I don't have the least idea.
PISH
Listen to her, acting dumb. Did you go past the raven generals?
(IRIS doesn't answer)
PISH
You won't answer that? Well, where's your storkade pass?
IRIS
What's wrong with you?
PISH
You don't have one, do you?
IRIS
Have you lost your mind?
PISH
Didn't some captain of the birds stick a pass on you?
IRIS
By the gods, no, no one up there made a pass at me, you wretch.
PISH
So you just fly in here, without a word, going through a city that doesn't belong to you?
IRIS
This is the route all gods fly. What other route is there?
PISH
I've no idea. But not this way. It's not legal. You broke the law. Do you know, of all the Irises there are around, if you get what you deserve, you'd be seized and sentenced to die.
IRIS
But I'm immortal.
PISH
(stubbornly)
In spite of that, you would have died. You gods will just have to recognize how you must serve those more powerful than you. Now tell me, where are you sailing on those wings of yours?
IRIS
Me? I'm flying to men from father Zeus, instructing them to sacrifice to the Olympian gods and fill our streets with smells of offerings.
PISH
What gods?
IRIS
What gods? Why, us of course--the gods in heaven. Are there any others?
PISH
The birds are now men's gods--and to the birds, men must now sacrifice--and not, by all that's holy, to Zeus!
IRIS
(in grand tragic style)
Thou fool, thou fool, stir not the awesome powers of gods, lest Justice with the mighty mattock of great Zeus destroy your race completely--and smoke-filled flames from imperial lightning bolts burn
into ash your body and your home--
PISH
Listen, woman--stop your spluttering. And keep still! You should know: if Zeus keeps on annoying me, I'll burn his home and halls, reducing them all to ask with fire eagles.
(CHORUS starts toward IRIS menacingly)
PISH
I'll send six hundred prophyrions all dressed in leopard skins up there to heaven to war on him. And as for you, if you keep trying to mess with me, well then, I'll deal with Zeus/ servant Iris
first--
(CHORUS is more menacing)
IRIS
Blast you, you wretch!
PISH
Go away! Get a move on! Shoo!
IRIS
My father won't stand for such insolence--he's stop you!
PISH
Just go away, you silly girl! Fly off and burn someone else to ashes.
(IRIS "flies" back the way she came)
CHORUS
On Zeus' gods we've shut our door--
they'll not pass through here any more.
And men from now on won't invoke
the gods who want their holy smoke.
PISH
That's the plan. But something's wrong--we sent HOPEFUL to tell all this to human beings--what if she that dodo bird gets back here again?
HOPEFUL
(calling out and she is entering as a herald, with a messenger bag, carrying a golden crown)
O Pishthetairos, you blest one, wisest and most celebrated of all men. . . the cleverest and happiest . . . trebly blest . . .
(she's run out of words)
Say something, Pish.
PISH